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living out of my suitcase. [21 Jul 2009|09:57pm]
what a strange few days, new moon - i wait for you while running in the woods, in the late afternoon when i rest, full of food and guilt and simply trying to remember the human and divine nature of my own simple bones. lady light, the dusk stars were hidden behind fluorescent glow while i sat in the park with him last night but i still felt your late summer coal-hot heat near my body after dense rain and white fog that battled the seals of my windows. my last evening was lovely and kisses that ignite a spark in my spirit were long dead until then and for a second i didn't want to strip my body of its filaments and fibers, of follicles or fingernails or the fat fruit each tree breaks into my palm and into my stomach. i kept the nuts, seeds, grains, and leaves inside even when the sight of my own hand against his chest sent waves of disgust through my stomach. and it was plainly my body that horrified me, the sight of my long knuckles covered in jade and stark white against the gray of his shirt - a hate of a body that i love and adore, but desperately want to divorce simultaneously. even the strangle of laughter and smiles from a first kiss couldn't shake those thoughts from my marrow.

and while i stand in front of the mirror near my bed and look at each slight scar and dimple - barely visible on the blank chalk color of my limbs - i count each one and memorize their location, a geography of neuroses and self-discipline that i can't circumvent or live without. and what creature would i be without it tonight, lady? i desperately long for change but am terrified of being something clean and new because the old asks for so much and i desperately want to please.

i am fearful that this is my heart; this is the lie i have promised myself. if i close my eyes i see the trails that i move on everyday before me but i am running faster, harder .. my limbs are lighter and my body is total muscle. i can smell what is chasing me and i know that it is dark fur and on its four legs it will outrun me .. i need to move without hesitation and i fall onto my palms, where hooves and long brown thighs grow out like branches and looking back my predator is far behind me, far behind my white spotted ribs. i jump onto the hill and run into the woods, near the trees and moss i didn't know existed.
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[19 Jul 2009|04:58pm]

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forty-five thoughts for my daughter and my virtual daughters
By Francesca Lia Block


i always believed if i had blond hair, pixie face
big breasts
everything would be all right
not realizing that culturally idolized beauty
is not only foolproof
but potentially dangerous

if you believe in your own unconventional beauty
when you are young
you will accomplish twice as much and suffer half so

turn off lightbulbs and light a candle

walk don’t drive

plant a tree

wear sunscreen

dancing is an antidepressant

kindness is the new status symbol

every day please try to eat something green
and something orange
that grow out of the ground

tell me how mad you are
that your father and i parted
i will always listen
though i can’t ever take away the pain

expectations are for what you yourself create

they rarely work when applied to others

turn off the television

tv is a depressant

yoga is an antidepressant

don’t feel guilty about wanting pretty things

they would not be so alluring
if you weren’t supposed to want them
just don’t value them over compassion

use your words even when you are a grown-up
and people no longer think it is entirely acceptable
when you say, that hurt my feelings

if you can digest chocolate eat it sometimes

same goes for ice cream
(i don’t really need to tell you those things do i?)

do your homework because it is part of the game but

don’t spend too much time worrying about grades

fall in love with someone kind who loves your body
and your mind

if you have a dream that won’t let you go, that
tickles your solar plexus, heed it

turn dark feelings into paintings or poetry
or dancing

music is a kind of food

if you are sad talk to a happy woman who loves you
it will always help

move your body when you are sad or angry

avoid the following:
genetically modified ingredients
parabens
sodium lauryl sulfate
mercury in certain fish
neurotic thoughts about food
(is that a contradiction?)

love your curls though they tangle
your pale skin though it can burn in the sun
your nose though it is broader than some
your sturdy legs and feet

forget barbie she does not possess imagination

remember you are a botticelli angel

the planet we live on is perfection

love her like a goddess

love yourself as her daughter

there is a planet full of different kinds of beauty

the idea that only one type of woman is beautiful
is blasphemy

of everything i brought to the world in these
forty-five years
you and your brother are by far the most astounding

because of this i will always love your father

matter never vanishes, only changes

remember that when someone you love dies

your round head on my breast when you were born
is the memory
i will keep with me when i leave this body

when i am gone i will still be near you

this is how i know: when you were born
it was not a meeting
but a reunion
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[19 Jul 2009|04:42pm]
Love After Love
Derek Walcott


The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
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early. [18 Jul 2009|08:10am]

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Because the world is round it turns me on
Because the world is round...aaaaaahhhhhh

Because the wind is high it blows my mind
Because the wind is high......aaaaaaaahhhh

Love is all, love is new
Love is all, love is you

Because the sky is blue, it makes me cry
Because the sky is blue.......aaaaaaaahhhh

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh....
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light boxes. [16 Jul 2009|08:48am]

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ashley & i after our picnic.
more random loveliness )
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[15 Jul 2009|09:49pm]





"What does Reverence for Life say abut the relations between [humanity] and the animal world? Whenever I injury any kind of life I must be quite certain that it is necessary. I must never go beyond the unavoidable, not even in apparently insignificant things. The farmer who has mowed down a thousand flowers in his meadow in order to feed his cows must be careful on his way home not to strike the head off a single flower by the side of the road in idle amusement, for he thereby infringes on the law of life without being under the pressure of necessity." -- Albert Schweitzer
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like lockets made from dust. [12 Jul 2009|09:33pm]
today was so hard, mostly because i am dealing with recovery and these compulsive, negative thoughts. i was so lethargic at work: yawning while talking to customers, standing around (in plain view of my boss), and not giving the extra enthusiasm i usually do - which is funny, considering how apathetic i am about even working there. i've always felt that minimum wage corporate work is slave labor and no amount of positive attitude or denial has been able to change my mind. i have been sleeping a lot ... a deep, soundless rest beneath thick warm blankets in the humid july. i am usually highly energetic and this period of laziness has been disconcerting for me, but i am realizing that my body needs to relax and it was a welcome compliment to walk into work this morning and hear everyone tell me how nice and "refreshed" i looked.

i know i have to stir my senses and enter the world again; i called ashley and we are going to picnic in the woods on tuesday, which is a start. i know i should spend more time with doug while he is in town and he has made constant attempts to see me, offering to go to dinner or get coffee or even just to sit outside together. it's hard for me to be around people i have been romantically attached to and while i know that both of them really just want my company, there is a threatening fear of their desire reaching a sexual intention. i cannot even comprehend romanticism now and my celibacy is not something i am ready to relinquish ... i have never had a "true" relationship with another person where our physical and emotional attachment was healthy, open, sincere. to be honest anyone i have ever been involved with (even on a platonic level) has been manipulative, abusive, cruel, and callous towards me, and it is time for me to end that cycle of destructive behavior in my life - coming from myself and outside sources. while i am trying not to dwell on the past and allow myself to trudge through these memories and accept pity from others, i think it is good to openly express things that have happened and not feel any more shame because of my experiences. in fact, i want to stop feeling ashamed for everything about myself ... for how i look, what i say, how i feel, what i do, how i dress ... my shyness, intelligence, moodiness, awkwardness, kindness, finickiness ... many, many people have tried so hard to make me feel absolutely terrible for simply being myself and i cannot live that way any longer. there was never anything wrong with me and i am so heart-broken that i spent so many years trying to fix myself.

i have an idea of the person i want to be and i see her as something unreal, a phantasmagoria of genuity.

my eyelids are already heavy and penelope hasn't left my side since i came home from running, rubbing her muzzle and cold, wet nose against my ankle and toes. i have so much to learn from animals .. no matter how long i leave her (even just for a simple errand she would have no idea where i could possibly be) she always welcomes me back, my absence completely forgiven, our maternal relationship renewed as she happily rubs her face against mine while i laugh and laugh and laugh. she asks for nothing and shares her presence and warmth, keeping me company while i sleep and on constant vigil while i am physically ill. she forgives my indiscretions and asks only for a few rubs of my fingers against her soft fur when we wake together in the morning...
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ave maria. [11 Jul 2009|06:34am]

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The Caterpillar: What size do you want to be?
Alice: Oh, I'm not particular as to size, only one doesn't like changing so often, you know.





last night while running i saw Lady Doe again, those dark moon-wide eyes staring curiously at me; her fawn was startled and jumped back, moving quickly into the woods and the mother followed cautiously, still giving me long glances as she moved deeper into the grass. i saw two more adult deer while running back down the path (a male and female, i presume) and as i approached them they quickly departed from their spots, long high jumps into the air with mile-high brown legs. when twilight approaches the lightning bugs jingle their bones and dance with sporadic bursts of yellow against the encroaching night and i wished that i could move as effortlessly as my dear deer friends, a spasm of blurred motion and warm cocoa velvet.

i have been careful with my wishes and thoughts, moving them like they were fractured glass bowls in my hands - hardly breathing as i carried each one with me, watching peripherally to be certain the wind and sun didn't explode them into my skin. i know it is time for detrimental change and although the acknowledgment of understanding is a tiny step it is a step nonetheless and i am trying to fully prepare myself for the upcoming hours of months of years that are necessary to my development as a real human being. i want to change for the better and become a person of uninterrupted honesty, intelligence, integrity, empathy, confidence, and compassion.

i have begun saving money and while it is a not a notable amount it is a meager start to ... something. i know that i will need to move out of my parent's home soon, while i swore i wouldn't leave until i was moving miles away - which i might do (out of a sincere notion of adventure not because of sophomoric anger and longing of avoidance). i am feeling the desire to begin my own family and whether that means a dual life with a partner or child of my own i am not sure. and i believe i want to start rekindling my connection with nature - through environmental activism, gardening, recycling, organic creations/shopping, or my body; i want to do this truly and fully, without any notion of pretense.

i feel like i have so much more to say but i have already been up for hours in this early july morning and my body is cold..i want a little more sleep before i begin my day. all of my best wishes and kindess go out to all of you, wherever you are.
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[10 Jul 2009|11:22pm]
goals for july/august:

1. start making my own oil perfume.
2. cook myself a delicious, elaborate raw dinner once a week, complete with a terrible chick-flick.
3. begin crocheting a blanket for the approaching autumn.
4. start a small indoor herb garden that is cat-proof.
5. read more, worry less.
6. find a full-time babysitting position.
7. spend more time volunteering.




what is your list?
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[08 Jul 2009|05:44pm]
what a strange, bizarre day.
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from www.deerwomen.com [06 Jul 2009|09:32am]

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from the NEXT Art Exhibition in Chicago


"Women," by Michael Hans

When you’re young you have this perfect ideal of what a women should be, you look for this and expect it. With time you realize there is no such thing, you also realize that would be pretty fucking boring. You don’t know what it is your looking for and you wouldn’t until you meet her for the first time.

It is in all the quarks of a woman you will find what is really special and worth a shit. I mean this emotionally, physically, and as person.

A Perfect Women? She is there- horrible flawed and wonderful in all her little imperfections. She is a women- interesting, intelligent and maybe able to grab your mind and balls by her words alone. She will be hard to deal with at times with a strong will and goals of her own. She will make demands and makes you laugh at yourself. They are your equal and better half, all at once.

The great part of a woman is in how she laughs a little funny, how her voice is too high or maybe a little scratchy. She may be a little broken and banged up from life, maybe a little fussy, maybe even a little caddy at times. But these things are enduring and make any person great. No matter how hard you try to stay angry at them you just start laughing at the fact you where upset in the first place.

When you get up in the morning you see that pile of messy hair, smeared makeup, that slim set of hips decorated in lace or maybe a little teeny tiny tummy hanging over her underwear, but it’s really that smile. A smile that makes you forget anything in the world. You look her up and down seeing the perfection in all the little imperfections about her body that just make her pouncable. You could stare from a distance for hours, and never get tired of watching.

Ladies, I say you are all real women. Don’t buy into any status quo, you are sexy, intriguing, and ouh, so intoxicating. Let all show through, have your fun and care little for the people around you that aren’t having fun with you! When you take off your shirt don’t worry about the way you look, just own it. Fuck your weight; shut up about it -you’re sexy as hell. If man doesn’t like it like, find another that does. If your walk is funny and your voice off, just own it. If someone doesn’t like your jokes, find someone who that will. If they don’t feel the passion you have for your passions and care about your independence fuck’em, too. If you’re a little manic and crazy at times, do what I just said the last time -own it.

There is no rule book for beauty or how to be a woman, do you know why? Because every woman is different in look, speech, ideas, and in their soul. That is what is so great! I celebrate it, can’t you celebrate your own thoughts and feelings! That is sexier and more interesting than anything else. So shut the hell up and be yourself, bad behavior and all.

Now beyond lovers, I find women of all ages, varieties, shape, size and personality type intriguing and interesting. For me, the admiration for women goes beyond sexual desire, in fact a lot of the time and most of the time it would wreck the moment even if the moment is spent with your lover. I feel bad for men trapped in seeing one plain point of view, there is more to a woman than being 18-25 years old. I don’t understand how you could look at women in just one stage of there life, they are all interesting and beautiful from childhood till death.

In women my age I see lovers, muses that inspire in me in the greatest of art and the feeling and I can start moving mountains. In elderly women I see a wisdom that bring conversations that last for hours and eyes with a soul that stretch a distance and time further than place you can imagine.

In little women I see daughters filled with innocence, little faces that have yet to be programmed by the world, you want that face to laugh and you want a part in helping her grow up. They inspire even more art.

Then you have older women or elder women. A woman of age has the wisdom and enough stories to make you laugh silly and cry your guts out. You can look into their eyes and see a calm with their spirit that runs so thick you can almost swim in the worlds that wonder and wander around in them as they stare off to the distance. I could talk them for hours, and although an older woman’s charm is different- they are just as charming none the less. Yet again I admire and more art is inspired.

Then you have an completely different stage of women. I personally feel that pregnant women are one of the most beautiful sights on earth. I am not saying every single one, but there is to me a certain spirit to them while they are carrying a child. That “glow” really dose exist and even physically it is attractive. I am not saying sexually either, I am just saying the nude pregnant woman to me can be a really beautiful sight to behold.

When I was a child I would watch women breast feed their children. The parents would always get a little weird with me understandably, but they would ask why I was watching and I would reply, I think it’s pretty. Somehow, I would then always end up explaining myself and they would just smile at me and thank me after the fact. I still like to watch, but I am a little more sensitive to people’s space being a full grown man.

But it’s all still beautiful to me, I don’t know why, but these things always have been. I really like all, there is no side to women that I can’t draw inspiration from.

When I feeling down in life I go to public parks, I look at mothers playing with their children in open fields, I watch and can both see and feel their love for the children. Motherhood is such a beautiful part of life. It always reminds me that there is something worth fighting for in this world. No matter how low I am, in that instant I get it all back and I am ready to take on the world.

I am ooouh so lost in life without a Muse of some kind. It is always a women of some type, whether it being momentarily or a life-long muse. An Ex Roommate of mine shaking his head explained, “Mikey’s brain and thought process is made up of two parts- Women and Art” and my knee jerk replied was “What else is there?….. Well…you forgot occasionally science!” To me there is nothing in this world more interesting, art would be pretty boring without them, but sometimes science, ha ha.

For me there is only one thing that has never disappointed me in life. That is love, the kind of love you can have in another women. I have the kind of imagination that blows everything out of proportion, everything is bigger and more extravagant in my head than in person. But the only thing to never disappoint me is the feelings you can have for another. It is always different than you think it will be and it will be harder on you than anything else in life will be, but it is the one thing also in life that exceeds all the expectations you could ever have about it. No Art, Philosophy, Theology, or thing of monetary value can even come close to that smile when you find it.

It will be the one of the most spiritual experiences in your life as well if you try to be selfless about it, to really make it about them and not you. I mean really be selfless, give and expect nothing more than a smile, love and not be in love- there is a difference. Love is important, being in love is not.

Spirituality to me is not found in a temple or a book, especially not found in following a religion. Spirituality is found in living life, learning and trying to be a better person. You will need others to learn sometimes and they can be a guide to better places if you let love in.

When your love for a woman can make you become a better man, giving up everything you want in life and from her just to get the chance to know that person and expect nothing in return. It’s hard to be selfless to the person you want everything from, being in love means you want their Spirit, Mind, and Body, it’s easy to be selfless to someone you want nothing from. When you can walk away not getting what you wanted and still love them the same and feel no hurt or anger, always have an open door for family even knowing the door for lovers is closed then know you are now for real, for her, for the first time in your life. When something or someone can make you learn to be a little more selfless like that, to me that is a pretty fucking spiritual experience. Fuck your religion and ideologies, just live life and learn! Learn to love, this is one side of love and a lesson along many to learn in life about truly caring.

For me I think this is the kind of lesson only a woman (a very rare lady) could cast a spell of learning on me like that!….

Thank you, Ladies, for the endless inspiration, for being a mother, the closest of friends, my lover, being strong, being sexy, intelligent, unpredictable, sweet, being wise, all the art you inspire in me along with other artists and sometimes being something that drives any man crazy both in good and bad ways.

Most of all, thank you for teaching me and teaching me things everyday, till the day I die. You are amazing and for this broken old soul always a source of inspiration in any package.
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[05 Jul 2009|09:15am]
i had another dream of being pregnant last night ... i was walking in a gas station, and someone said to me, "well, it didn't take you long to conceive at all!"

i ran inside, bought a pregnancy test, and found out after my first time attempting impregnation with the father i was in fact carrying.

i was scared, but excited.



am i full of creative energy, a desire to be a mother, or perhaps something else all together? i've been craving nuts/seeds/peanut butter all of this morning, and i know my body is trying to rebuild and start a menstrual cycle after so many months of being sick, so maybe it is connected to that.
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[04 Jul 2009|09:05pm]
what do you do when you spend the night of the 4th of july alone... )


now, off to watch my terrible romantic comedy!
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what was the first book you ever read? [02 Jul 2009|09:09pm]
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Catwings by Ursula K. Le Guin )


today has been difficult; i'm finding myself easily irritated and arguing with everyone, especially my mother. even for the few minutes we were alone together it was so strange to be simply in her presence that i felt totally alien in my well-visited home. the arrival of my father was gratefully received by the both of us.

lately i have been feeling terrible about many things, and i have been working to overcome aphotic obstacles ... perhaps this is part of my agitation. i think that idea, however, is oversimplification ... a shard of blue out of the kaleidoscope of my history, my own psyche.

but tonight is beautiful in its damp, cool dark and the pit pit pit of sprinkling rain begs me to sleep.
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[02 Jul 2009|11:07am]
random, wonderful pictures )
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down under the leaves. [02 Jul 2009|09:01am]
i had a magnificent encounter this morning with a deer .. i was running in the woods and looked down for a few moments, and when i raised my head a doe was standing only five feet from me, her long neck and head singularly visible through the foliage. i jumped back, surprised to see her, and she gave me a look of disbelief, as if to say, "how could you not know that i was here?" i smiled widely at her and she didn't budge as i ran past, just watched me with her large moon-pool dark eyes, chewing happily on the vegetation. many animals greet me on my dawn runs - rabbits, squirrels, chipmunks - but it is rare that i see such a wonderful, welcoming creature that emanates such grace. oh, blessed are all the creatures of the world, they are filled with such beauty ...

my mind has been wandering quite a bit lately, over the various circumstances of my existence, my voice and mind, the shine of my skin; i dream continuously of a fruitful and worthwhile nature that seeds perfect structure of my craft and uses her talents with agility and natural strength. i fear that i hide behind a mask of strength ... never showing my true self, locking away away away out of undoubted terror from things that have happened, will happen, have never taken place. and this is truly the sign of a coward! bravery is worn like love, which through all of its grandiose terminology is as simple as perfumed soap and should be given like a small gift, without trepidation and with a slight, humble smile. this is not to say that i shouldn't protect myself from those who would harm me, drain my energy and my thoughts, but that it is just as dangerous to completely close myself off from the world and retreat into a hedonism and selfishness that requires all the good i could do to be enclosed in my own space.

why should i be free? because i was given two legs and a soul!

and my faults of character need to be called into question, my desires that overwhelm me and call me to do terrible things to my mind and body, to those who love me dearly. i must learn to let go of everything negative in my life .. the memories of pain prevail, they run over and over like a movie on a reel, black/white and misty around the edges, the voices trailing off over too much use and time. and what it would be to snip the damaged scene from the theatrics, to leave the audience of myself with a clearer picture that creates a sense of wonder and giggling happiness as i step out of the seat of my own life? and this is my life that belongs to me and i share it with others as they share themselves ... we constantly change shape and form like a pack of crazed gypsy dancers in long colored clothes, waving their arms throughout the streets.

and i can only wish to meet another saint of an animal, my dear deer, every morning as we both start our days near the same trees, staring at each others' eyes.
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[23 Jun 2009|09:37am]
what a strange few days. what a strange few months and year.
and another anniversary of my life jumps in on the first day of summer, the day of celebration of the sun, of fathers; is this where the male energy in my soul emerges from? i spent it quietly with my parents, talking and eating fruit outside, in the acres of untouched land that is part of this physical body and the ones before me that gave me each string of skin and grain of muscle .. a land that is part of my blood.

and it has been strange through all of the changes, the anger and hurt and lessons that show themselves through every experience and relationship. i dwell on the past too much; i think of all the negativity that had constantly been brought by influences of both sexes, but substantially masculine .. and what of all the beauty that men have given me? why do i forget it all?

the kind, gentle strength of my father, his red hair and deep understanding of my own person that travels decades through his own consequences that he readily shares; my uncles, who played with me as a child, spending hours pushing my tiny chalk white body on swings and holding my hand while i ran through the grass with their own children.

as lost as i am (what should i do with this life that was so unselfishly given to me?) i forget many things and do not listen to what i am called to do: art, study, discipline, earth, air, water, plant, pregnancy, mother, poetry, words, strength, activism, kindness, partner, organic, simple, structured, complex ... i think too much of the wrong meanings, the incorrect adjectives.

i do not think enough of my art, that bubbles in my veins and boils my skin in a theatrical attraction, a violent shake of meaning that could easily tear my mind from its synapses, my limbs from my body .. i do not think enough of my family, who toil toil toil with the weight of their generation and my own, the mistakes all of us will make and that i have the power to fix .. i do not think enough of jessie, whose strong scorpion nature can support each note of her voice on the flat dry desert ... i do not think enough of britt who finds love in every facet .. i do not think enough of the soul of my children that wait to be born, who want to desperately connect to their future mother, who want her to heal her body spirit and mind so that they can enter their own lessons ... i do not think enough of my future partner, their father who might need me as much as i ever will.

i am reading about my chakras, and earth-centered spirituality, both of which i find comforting and elusive simultaneously. i have not found my place in this physical world or in my own capillaries; i have not found peace and stability in my own spirituality, or in my soul that screams for resolution; i have not found calm in my mind that abuses every inch, and rejects kindess. but i have the faith that i will, and the belief that i will allow myself to feel love.

and while i send healing energy to the filaments of my being (how else do we describe such an enormity?) know that i send it to all of you as well, as we each find ourselves on this branched and thorned path.
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[22 Jun 2009|08:18am]
i had a very very interesting birthday ...

my mind is full of things i need to do; one of them is to cut negative, self-defeating people out of my life. since a lot of those people didn't call, e-mail, or even text a happy birthday message to me, it makes this decision a whole lot easier.
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if you have any extra money, please donate to my Relay For Life run. [01 Jun 2009|02:21pm]
my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer this spring and it has affected my family deeply. this year I've decided to do Relay for Life, and I would like some support from anyone who is willing to give it.

go to this website:

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?pg=entry&fr_id=13134

and click on the "Donate" button; type in the name "Rachel Harris" and I will be registered under Fairmont State Young Democrats.

all my love.
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a verlaine. [28 May 2009|11:22am]
below is my first attempt at writing a poem in a long time; i feel completely without art. all of the negativity that my writing has received has truly eaten at my ambition, and i am well aware that many many authors say to get used to rejection, that you will have to work for years and just always keep writing, keep your heart alive and full with the energy of every moment, the infinitesimal moments that shine so deeply that they design themselves like oil and the stroke of brushes. but i feel like i have nothing: no acknowledgment, no warm conversation, no company. my life has become extraordinarily lonely and i find myself doing nothing to change the situation because i almost feel that it is ... necessary? i refuse to have shallow relationships with people; for so long i have been deeply involved with friends who have abused me, draining me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. because of that i am always on guard when meeting others and i take extreme caution before becoming invested in their lives and allowing them into mine. i have no lovers, and i find myself hating romance! casual dating is boring and sophomoric, and physical intimacy is dull without passion and connection. i meet men and women who are facades of people, genuine persons with intelligence, kindness, and compassion; all everyone is concerned with is appearance, gossip, conversations about media ... i just want nothing to do with it. all of this has led me to feel like i am feeling nothing, although i am always struck with the paradox of knowing that i am feeling everything! i am aware of all that is around me, the undeniable beauty of nature and humans (and human nature), the love of family, the ache of growing into a sincere adulthood where perhaps my very personal condition is becoming real and i might find out who i truly am (does anyone ever know who they are? i think as artists, we are always changing and reinventing ourselves, becoming some strange new person who sees the world only slightly askew, like adjusting a prism with your thumb so the color mirrors deeper).

i am not meaning to ramble and i hope this does not seem like some strange social nihilism, but i guess i have been in an emotional (and creative) rut these past few months and it is taking a toll on my spirit. i hate feeling like a i have a responsibility to everyone, and i am easily bored with a "normal" life; i am well aware that i am highly eccentric, and i think that these idiosyncrasies are not compatible with my surroundings.

i do love waking up early in the morning and feeling the pressure of the afternoon heat sweep across the hills as i eat breakfast, running for miles in the woods where the enclosed shadows of the trees has kept the cool dew protected. i come home and clean the house, take care of the animals, and fall into a hot bath where i read and relax, walking up to my bed where i nap against the electric buzz of the television. anais nin once said that all writers speak with the pretense of lives filled with true and constant art and she was shocked to discover that henry miller was a man who loved to spend his afternoons lazily drinking coffee at cafes and couldn't bear to see the dishes left undone. i take a lot of comfort in that.

and yes, maybe it comes down to always writing, to keep writing poems and stories in your head as you bustle through the streets with your chores and business.
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